Of Spilt Beer and Stinking Clothes

On his Amsterdam trip last week, yours truly had his first encounter with the liquid which makes many a man go weak in the knees - Beer.

Dining out at an alfresco cafe one night with Ms Doordarshan, Mr Telegraph, and Ms Star News, Toe Knee had no idea of what fate had in store for him.

The poor soul had ordered a glass of chocomel (chocolate milk) while the others had opted for the fizzier drink.

But in true-blue filmi style, the blonde bombshell of a waitress tripped over the carpet and dumped the contents of a humongous pitcher of beer onto the poor guy's torso.

For the wet, dripping and stinking scribe, the apologies of the waitress did not help matters.

And pray, what did fellow travellers on the flight home think of the stench emanating from Toe Knee's jacket? We'll leave you to figure that one out.

Of Driving Lessons and Roads on Fire

Look who's driving too? Swaty Prakash, recovering from a tussle with her haemoglobin count, is presently in the process of learning to drive.

And what better car to practise on than her swanky new pearl-silver Alto?

Hey Swats, just make sure you don't set the roads on fire as you whizz past. Another such learner is apna Debjit who's also planning to swap his mobike for a four-wheeler.

Of Merry Mrigs and Sweltering Shoots

Of all things Mriganka had to undergo as part of her current stint at a business news channel, doing piece-to-cameras in Delhi's sweltering heat has to take the cake.

Recently, the poor lass had to give five takes for a shoot outside a Noida mall at 2 in the afternoon. Poor Mrigs.

Of Shaven Heads and Press Conferences

Well, well, well! Prashant's new 'shaven head' look might have caused certain eyebrows to rise in various directions but now with Misha alleging that it was an "accident", the hairdo seems destined to be mired in controversy.

At a press conference last week, Misha alleged that Prashant had revealed to her the reason for his Mogambo look.

"He had been trimming his hair with a shaver (sic) and went a bit too far with it on one side of his scalp. As a result of this accident, he was forced to shave off some hair on the other side to balance the look. One thing led to another and before he knew it, Prashant had harvested his entire crop of hair," the Ludhiana lass told reporters here.

When contacted (as part of our policy of balanced and objective reporting), Prashant merely seethed with anger and denied the whole incident, saying he had not even spoken to anyone about his hair.

"I am more concerned with inflation, and am not obsessed with my hair. Don't you people have anything better to report on?," the venerable scribe queried, turning a beetroot red in the process.

Believe it or not - we believe that's not the last we're going to hear of this controversy.

Of Death Threats and Wedding Bells

Anima Balakrishnan. Yes, this is the byline which the former damsel from our organisation used in her story in a national newspaper this week.

So, has she got married on the sly? That's what our correspondent Shemin Joy alleges in a breaking news story.

All attempts to contact the accused in the minuscule tehsil of Coimbatore proved futile. Looks like the only telephone in that remote Tamil Nadu village was out-of-order.

However, soon after the publication of his report, our correspondent started receiving threatening calls from the accused.

"I'll kill you when I get my hands on you" - these were the words used by the accused to terrorise our reporter and Shemin is ready to swear to them in any court of law.

Hey Anima, come clean on the subject. We'll forgive your getting married without telling us - or even if the strange byline was the result of a printing error.

Of Papa Debjit and More Treats

Our very own Debjit is all set to be a proud papa soon. Whether he will be dressing the would-be babe in blue or pink outfits remains to be seen.

Well, we wish the proud pa-to-be and wifey dear Sucharita all the very best. Do I hear legions of fans hankering for a treat?

Of Hairdo Mishaps and Exclusive Perfumes

Heard Misha complaining that her overzealous hairdresser went a trifle overboard while handling her tresses.

The resultant hairdo (though Misha says it's a tad short) has found favour with some of us, reminding us of the pretty locks of Jennifer Aniston (Rachel) in the American sitcom Friends.

What's more, Misha is experimenting with a new eau-de-cologne. No, we won't tell you which one - it won't remain exclusive anymore.

Of Foots in Mouths and Editors on Phones

Little do people know that apna Kapil Kelkar actually had the temerity to say Bol, yaar to our senior editor.

Before you rise from your seat and clutch your heart in indignation, let me add the incident had all the overtones of a good ol' mistaken-identity flick.

Seems Kapil was in TV Monitoring when the telephone rang. Under the impression that he was talking to yours truly, Kapil responded in true-blue fraternal spirit - Bol, yaar (Literal translation - Speak, friend). Wonder what editorji must have thought at that instant.

Of Singaporean Chow and Digicams

Our expats seem to be doing really well. Debjit is currently enjoying a week-long business junket in Singapore.

And making our eyes pop out with envy as he tucks into Singaporean chow.

The Bengali babu recently bought a swanky digicam - this was soon after his trip to the British capital in February.

Who knows what tech marvel DC will experiment with this time. SOME PEOPLE (By the way, I have a patent over this phrase - Anima! Dare you use it again) have all the luck in the world.

Of TV Monitors and Indian Idols

The popularity of a television programme can be gauged not by TRP ratings but how often it's watched in the TV room of a news media organisation.

Incidentally, the TV here is strictly meant for monitoring news channels. Imagine then, the surprise of the person in the Monitoring shift when one senior reporter (who will remain anonymous) asked her to change channels so that he could enjoy an episode of Indian Idol.

That too at nine pm prime time, when the ritual of watching NDTV is deemed sacrosanct.

Indian Idol - the magical malady which transports even journos to a world of mystical melody.

Of Resignations and Dropping Flies

Coming close on the heels of the resignations of Anima, Shivika, Mriganka and Anurag is the shocking news of Swaty quitting our office.

Sources have comfirmed that Swaty, who is currently battling illness in Patna, has resigned and that hubby dearest Manas Gupta will be dropping in the resignation letter on her behalf. Come on guys, we are dropping like flies.

Pretty soon, the Prime Minister will forget all about tigers and will set up a Task Force to look into the disappearance of journos from the 2004 batch. Yes, we certainly are an endangered species.

Of Debjit and Valedictory Paeans

Veteran journalist Debjit has left the organisation to continue in his quest for attaining Nirvana. He left the office discreetly, so that his fans would not prove to be an obstacle in his path. However, his decision to voluntarily suspend his idle hours with effect from November 13, 2004 evoked a mixed response.

Two trainees committed suicide by banging their heads against computer monitors. The positive fallout of this tragic event was that these computers have now started working properly. According to unidentified sources, the trainees could not contain their joy at the news of Debjit's departure and as a result got a trifle over-enthusiastic.

Some other colleagues reportedly partook of karela-ka-juice because the Chakraborty gyan sessions had now become history and they wanted to atone for the ways in which they had irritated their Dronacharya. Many observed a two-minute silence to honour the maestro who had already numbed their eardrums with his cacophonous chatter.

"I miss the sound of his voice. It always used to help me in concentrating in my work because I never paid any heed to his constant background drivel. But now that it's no longer there, the dead silence in the office frightens me," said one heart-broken trainee on condition of anonymity.

Among other veterans, there was a sense of frustration because their canteen refills would now remain uneaten as there was no threat of cross-border terrorism. The resulting wastage would earn them the curses of millions of starving Indians.

In fact, the canteen proprietor promptly burst into tears when contacted by this reporter. Apparently, he had recently ordered a fresh consignment of halwa to satisfy the hunger pangs of "Sir Debjit", and as a result of the uneaten dessert, had incurred a loss 2.5 times that of Namibia's GDP.

When contacted at his secret location 200 centimetres off Kasturba Gandhi Marg where a lowly beggar was busy admonishing him to "Keep Still", the Bengali babu downplayed the developments, and said there was no way he could be induced to return.

"Ki holo? Aami Okhanay Jaabe Naa. I will not rest until I find Nirvana," he said. "I am no longer into materialism and will soon be moving to London to suffer the hardships of staying in a posh, five-star hotel."

Well DC, although we are Green with envy at your leaving for Greener pastures with tens of thousands of more Green bills, we wish you all the very best for your new assignment. Our blessings and our curses (a minor amount) be with you always. Best of Luck.

Of Dirty Dailies and Sleepy Sentries

Ever wonder why in the mornings, newspapers in the 'newspaper room' appear crumpled and smell like they have spent the night with a tramp on 'Mud' Island. Well, they have - spent the night with someone, I mean.

As the wee hours strike, mysterious figures flit into the newspaper room and steal the stacks away. And why are newspaper stacks so precious? No, you certainly can't sell them on the black market for a million dollars. BUT they do serve as fantastic substitutes for comfy mattresses in the office.

Our correspondent conducted a graveyard shift recce and discovered five non-journalistic staff lying spreadeagled on 'newspaper stack' mattresses. And each guy seemed to have a personal favourite.

Speaking to us on condition of anonymity, one guy professed his undying love for the soft and tender 'skin' of The Asian Age.

Others swore by The Times of India and Hindustan Times. But there are few takers for National Herald which finishes a poor last in the 'newspaper stack' sweepstakes. It is said that the Herald newsprint is of inferior quality and is likely to give you a skin rash if you sleep with it for too long.

Of Tapped Telephones and Latin Codes

Beware of the office telephones for they might be tapped. Yours truly had one horrifying experience while yapping away to glory with one of his friends.

The conversation had just reached its zenith when the operator suddenly screams into our respective auditory canals. And this is what he said - "Arre, Bus kar! Bahut ho gaya! Phone aa raha hai (Hey You! Stop it! It's enough now. There's a call coming)."

Squirming with embarrassment, I bid a hasty good-bye to my friend, who by the way, refuses to talk to me since that fateful day and continues to believe that I work in a weird and sordid organisation where employers listen in on calls.

Which means that you must no longer use office phones to bitch about the organisation or snigger at the unruly locks of a senior. Coz, as this numbing experience proves, Dear Mr EPABX Operator can and does eavesdrop on conversations.

So, unless you wanna make a hasty exit from the esteemed organisation, do stay away from the killer phones.

Solution 2: Learn Latin and conduct all telephonic conversations in this difficult tongue. I am sure Mr Operator won't understand phrases like Et tu Brute and summum bonum and will soon give up listening in.

Of Big Bulls and Delhi Roads

Accidents on Delhi's killer roads are no rarity. Our very own Swaty and her hubby Manas had a bad experience last week while wending their way past Nizamuddin Bridge.

It was close to midnight as the couple continued on their homeward journey when suddenly, a bull 'detached' itself from the surrounding darkness and chose to appear directly in the path of the mobike.

Swerving to avoid contact with the ghoulish creature, Manas loses control of the machine, and falls to the ground. The Yamaha proved to be 'Maha' and chose to fall on top of him for lack of a better parking space.

Swaty had fallen off the bike too but then she was up and about in a jiffy, rushing to the side of her husband who had blacked out for some terrifying moments.

Imagine the scene - damsel in distress at the scene of a midnight mishap. And guess the number of vehicles who would stop and help? Yes, you guessed right - None.

A number of vehicles did slow down but when it came to playing Good Samaritan, Delhites try so hard not to be saints. But there was certainly a happy ending.

The knight in shining armour this time was an unlikely one - a kindly soul riding an Eicher tractor. Between the two of them, Swaty and the Good Samaritan managed to extract the mobike which had been busy enjoying a horse-ride on Manas' back.

Hubby dear regained consciousness soon after and was lucky enough to escape sans fractures. Swaty suffered only a few bruises and was back in office after a day's well-deserved rest.

And what of the Good Samaritan? Well, it must suffice to reveal that the anonymous soul is still out there somewhere, waiting to perform his next saintly act. May his tribe increase.

Of Business Boys and Visiting Cards

An injustice has come to our notice. Business Bureau boys - Debjit, Salu, Prashant and Sumit were rewarded with individual visiting cards, which they will flash at five-star buffet lunches.

And at their sources too. Is this discrimination or what? Are we not humans too? Are our dietary requirements any different from what Business Beat Beasts need to sustain their work?

Are our digestive systems not the same? So, how come they are getting this additional incentive to stuff their guts with blackberry icecream.

Haven't we too dreamt of flashing our 'Bond. James Bond' cards all over that ruthless over-inquisitive PR guy.

A complaint has already been launched with the National Human Rights Commission and they have promised to put an end to such unjust practices as soon as their members get their visiting cards printed.

Boo-hoo! Life sure is miserable.

Of Courts and Court Cases

We had a not-so-pleasant brush with the judiciary last month.

The Apex Court had put a month-long stay order on our publication after litigant Prashant Sahoo filed a case against us in court. He complained that we invaded his privacy when we reported on his Dubai 'trip' in a previous issue.

Spewing venom at this publication's editor, the worthy scribe made his irritation pretty apparent.

"I had no plans to go to Dubai and I was not supposed to be sent there either. The entire story was mere fabrication and I seek justice from the honourable court. The episode cost me emotional hurt and I have sued them for a million dollars,"

he told reporters at a press conference here.

"I am sick of the paparazzi in this country. They offer me no peace. When I go home, they are there. When I come to office, they are there. God knows if they have installed hidden cameras. Why can't they harass filmstars and leave us poor journalists alone,"

added a miffed Prashant.

Of Corrigendums and Immolation Bids

EDITOR'S CORRIGENDUM

We are extremely sorry that Prashant resorted to such an extreme step. We had already conveyed our apologies to him. Out story was based on an unofficial source who provided us with false and biased information.

Following the publication of the story, our source mysteriously vanished. Reports later stated the accused was seen holidaying in the backwaters of Kerala.

Since we have no means to trace him, we offer an unconditional written apology to Prashant asking him to take back the case against us and settle the matter out-of-court.

We also beg Prashant to consider the plight of millions of our readers who have not had the chance of getting Office News updates for a month now. This publication is like manna for them, without which they cannot even contemplate surviving.

We have had frantic calls asking us to renew publication and there have been several self-immolation bids as well.

Prashant! Take pity and let this blessed publication continue its work of divine inspiration.

At the same time, we would like to remind Prashant, that if and when he goes to Dubai, he should certainly get some chocolates from there for his journalistic brethren. After all, it's his duty before God - to care for his colleagues.

Of Prashant and Passport Glitches

Yes, according to unofficial sources, Prashant was supposed to see the sights of Dubai and make the best of a journalistic assignment.

However, a passport hitch came in his way and ensured that he stays put in India.

Bad Luck, Prashant. We hope you get a chance to visit Dubai soon, especially during the Dubai festival so that you could use the opportunity to buy plenty of expensive gifts and chocolates for your loving office colleagues.

And this is a reminder to all you people out there. Get your passport right now.

Of Anima and Broken Ribs

Statutory Warning: Stay clear of Anima these days.

For those of you not clued in, she's been meeting wrestlers, body-builders and boxers in the previous weeks, as part of her duties at the Sports Desk.

So in case you are in the mood to get your shins kicked or some vital bones broken to bits, try and irritate her in some way or the other.

Believe me, she has all the right contacts to send you to Elysium as well. Quivering sources also testify, on condition of anonymity, that Anima has picked up some sparring tips and is already accused of causing some muscle sprains, black eyes and sore chins.